The Hitachiin Reports
by Skyskater
Summary: Hikaru and Kaoru write a report concerning Tamaki's fear of the dark. For blackm00n5.


**For blackm00n5.**

**Prompt: Write a hilarious oneshot story about Tamaki being afraid of the dark. Here goes.**

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day...and it really was, too. So don't give us all that crap about how, "Oh, it was probably a dark and stormy night outside," because it was really a bright and sunny day.

This is Hikaru and Kaoru reporting. Even as we speak, Tono is undergoing several kisses and hugs exchanges and eating several small tea cakes. It's rather interesting. Of course, not like we're going to be the ones to break his heart by telling him that those tea cakes are going to make him obese in less than 24 hours...we'll let Haruhi, his beloved "daughter", take the brunt of that.

* * *

16 hours: It's four o'clock now, just in case none of the rest of you know how to read military time. Tono is still smiling and exchanging words pleasantly with the other girls. We are not taking any customers today, so we have time to observe and write down notes. I think we're going to be turning into Kyouya clones soon enough. We just need to dye our hair black, become a Shadow King by having insomnia, get glasses, and two of those freaky little clipboards and black pens to scribble down our observations. Yeah.

* * *

16.5 hours: The subject is now becoming increasingly nervous. Even though it's spring and all that, the clouds have started to gather outside rather rapidly. This is quite a phenomenon, and as the Hitachiin brothers, we claim that this has something to do with the dictators in North Korea futzing with the weather because they have nothing better to do.

* * *

16.7 hours: Subject is now looking extremely panicked. Everybody has left, except for the members of the Host Club. We shall now go away to slink in the shadows and watch him closely, to see how he will react to this strange weather phenomenon. Or maybe he's just scared because he's getting fat?

* * *

17 hours: Alright. Okay. We admit it. We went and asked Nekozawa - no, well, more like blackmailed him - into changing the lighting/weather thingy so that it would be dark inside the music room. We stole Beelzebub or that freaky wooden cat or whatever his name is and threatened to throw him into the fire if he wouldn't comply with our wishes. Beelzebub escaped, unscathed, but we did make Nekozawa whimper. Or cry. Whatever those snuffling sounds were coming from under his hood. (Us: 1. Him: 0.)

* * *

17.5 hours: Aha! Subject is now thoroughly freaked out. The rest of the Host Club has gone home for the day, and now it is just us and him. Except he thinks he's all alone in the room, because we have been able to remain hidden in the shadows, thanks to the black cloaks we got from going to one of Nekozawa's Black Magic Club meetings. Well, actually, Hikaru dragged us there, because he thought the cloaks were 'cool.' Whatever.

* * *

17.6 hours: Alright. I am Kaoru, and Hikaru has gone off to...umm...what did he call it? Oh yeah. Make contact with the subject to see if he responded to stimuli or whatever. Well, this should be interesting. I'm having a hard debate on whether or not to video tape this and put it on Youtube or not....

* * *

"Hey, Tono."

Tamaki shrieked and practically jumped a foot in the air. Then he clutched his chest as though he were having a heart attack, and looked at my brother. He couldn't recognize him, once again thanks to the black cloaks. So, because he couldn't recognize him and being the somewhat stupid fool that he is, he said, "Oh...oh my, I didn't see you there. Are you a customer?"

"Nooo...." We just bought the latest version of the Echo Machine, Echo08, so Hikaru's voice echoed throughout the Music Room, and caused subject to freak out even further.

"Er...why are you here then?"  
"You must face your fears...."  
"F-fears?"

At this point, let it be known that Subject is cowering in his "throne", while Hikaru advances.

"Yesssss....your fear...of the DARK!"

Hikaru threw off his hood, while simultaneously flipping on a flashlight and pushing it under his chin to have a ghostly effect. Reminder to self: Take away Hikaru's horror DVD collection.

Subject fainted away in his chair.

* * *

18 hours: After several attempts on Hikaru's part to wake Tono up, he splashed Subject with a glass of cold water. Subject wakes up very efficiently towards this method.

"Hika-Kao-whoever the hell you are!" he yelled. I bit down on my lip to stop from bursting out into laughter.

"Indeed it is I, Tono," Hikaru replied, rather nonchalantly.

"Why did you DO THAT?! And I demand that you turn the lights back on THIS INSTANT!"

"Why?"  
"I'm scared of the dark, that's WHY!"  
"Well, you know, you shouldn't be scared of the dark. Rather, it's not the dark that you are scared of, but what lies in the dark, the unknown, the things of which you cannot -"

"Okay, okay. Stop acting so philosophical. I don't care. JUST TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON!"

* * *

19 hours: The Hitachiin brothers have left the building. Tono is still trapped inside the Music Room. Yes, there are lights on in the Music Room. No, he does not have a way out unless he jumps out the window or kicks the door hard enough to fall off its hinges or some poor soul takes pity on him and opens the door.

With the help of a certain Kyouya Ootori, we have installed video cameras in the Music Room, and we are now watching "Subject's Fear of Closed Spaces."

Report soon to follow.

* * *

**I don't know how this turned out. Did you like it? I hope you did.**


End file.
